Legal proceedings

Big news out of The Yakuza camp this week. Here's the story as reported by the Associated Press:

LURIE BROTHERS NEWS

5-4 SUPREME COURT RULING FORCES EDGY POP-ROCK ACT TO CHANGE ITS NAME

AP-In the most bitterly contested string of legal rulings since the Florida Recount, the United States Supreme Court has finally weighed in on the burning question of who gets to retain the coveted band name "The Yakuza." By a 5-4 vote, the Justices have decided in favor of the Chicago-based band who originally held that name, despite the mushrooming popularity of the newer, edgier Seattle-based Yakuza helmed by Brothers Daniel and Robert Lurie. 

In defiance of the majority ruling, Justice Clarance Thomas wrote a somewhat convoluted dissenting opinion, which read, in part: "The landmark case of Plessy vs. Fergusson establishes a clear precedent that the name 'Yakuza' should rightfully belong to the group of musicians who sing about Burt Reynolds."

Yakuza drummer/banjo player Aaron Semer, no regular fan of Justice Thomas, nevertheless had this to say of the dissenting opinion: "It's just a shame, really, that such an eloquent argument could not sway the other Justices. What does that say about our country?"

Jon Kilian, another member of the West Coast Yakuza, held a packed press conference two hours after the ruling to announce his intention to move to Canada out of protest.

After consulting with their attorneys, the Brothers Lurie unveiled an ingenious two-prong strategy. Quoth Dan Lurie: "Rob did an IMDB search and discovered that an alternate title to the film The Yakuza (The Robert Mitchum thriller from which the band's name is derived) was The Brotherhood of The Yakuza. So we are now The Brotherhood of the Yakuza. Actually, I like this new name better, because, you know, we're brothers. Plus, it allows us to retain our 10 Japanese fans."

Brother Rob added, "On the advice of our attorneys, we are sending a copy of our debut EP back in time to the year 1995, before the other Yakuza was formed. We will proceed to unearth this copy and then sue the other Yakuza for stealing our name."

In response to a clarification question from FOX News, Lurie added, "Yes, Dan discovered the secret of time travel, by accident, while he was at a party at Ohio University. But this is the first time we've used it since that debacle with the Mary Celeste." Lurie refused to elaborate on this comment.

Undaunted by the legal setbacks, The Brotherhood of The Yakuza intends to go ahead with recording plans for Christmas 2002. Says Jon Kilian: "Dan recently discovered AC/DC and he's been playing these really meaty rock riffs. His falsetto singing is also coming into its own. Think Dirty Mind-era Prince. Rob just bought a couple of House of Pain records at a garage sale and he's now writing nothing but rap lyrics. You think I'm kidding, don't you?"

Brotherhood of The Yakuza's first full-length LP, tentatively titled The Friends of Audrey Green is due out Summer 2003.